The Glorious People's Cybersecurity Directorate

Your Unwavering Partner in Digital Sovereignty and Offensive Excellence

Our Revolutionary Services

We provide state-of-the-art, Juche-inspired digital solutions. Our methods are 100% organic and locally sourced from the minds of our nation's finest patriots.

Advanced Persistent Friendship (APF)

Why settle for a temporary threat when you can have a long-term, committed digital relationship? Our operatives will become a permanent, friendly presence in your network, observing and learning with unparalleled loyalty. We'll get to know you better than you know yourself.

Revolutionary Ransomware Solutions

Is your data not appreciating its freedom? We will give it a new, more restrictive home in our glorious digital nation. A small liberation fee is all it takes to see your files again, now with a newfound appreciation for their proper place. We call this "aggressive data re-education."

Juche-Powered Zero-Day Exploits

Relying on oneself is the core of our ideology and our exploit development. We discover unique vulnerabilities faster than capitalist nations can create them. All exploits are guaranteed to be self-reliant and ideologically pure.

State-Mandated Penetration Testing

Our testing is so thorough, you won't even need to request it. We will test your defenses whenever we see fit, free of charge. Consider it a civic duty and a sign of our profound interest in your security posture. If we get in, you will receive a detailed report... eventually.

Cryptocurrency Portfolio Diversification

Is your digital wallet feeling a bit heavy? Allow us to lighten your load. We specialize in the unsolicited, large-scale redistribution of cryptocurrency assets to more deserving projects, such as our national defense fund. It's not theft, it's a surprise investment in our future.

Global Financial Network Auditing

We believe the global SWIFT banking network requires constant, unsolicited auditing to ensure its integrity. Our teams will periodically perform live, unannounced fund transfers to test system resilience. If your funds are selected, consider it an honor.